Dude my mom stole all your condoms
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
counting down the days left of school on my birth control packet.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
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