I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
