she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
