The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
