tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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