Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
