My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
