her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
well considering we left the bathroom with the mirror off the wall, a bloody nose, and clothes all messed up they assume im just a coke whore now..
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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