he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
