when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I woke up under a house in Key West
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