My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
Randomize
