Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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