I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
