I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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