I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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