I can text with my tongue
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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