I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
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