Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
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