see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
