I just made out with a guy for $7.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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