i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
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