Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
