Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
