I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
