remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
Randomize
