I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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