Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I will pee on everything he values.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
