My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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