I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
