tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
