This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Randomize
