mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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