How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
