I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
