Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
