your thong is hanging out like whoa
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Randomize
