I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize