in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
