Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
