It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The air taste purple.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize
