bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Randomize
