Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
