Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Randomize
