he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Randomize
