Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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