just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Are my feet made of real feet?
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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