nut hugger
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
