I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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