you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
