i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
