Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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